Previews of Coming Attractions
When there’s nothing else to talk about as Elimare pointed out, what to do? Why sneer at Hollywood of course. The dream factory for Edison’s Marvel.
And so here on these very webpages your correspondent will take it upon himself each lunar month to plunge into the muck and take a deep sniff at the latest effluent to flow from the privy’s of Hollywoods finest.
Please understand dear readers I will not actually view these films, there is no need in this age of modern wonders. A simple perusal of a movies trail of stink on the popular Apple Macintosh website is sufficient to gain all the insight one needs into the magical entertainment bowel of Hollywood.
Here’s a quick rundown of what will be sliding around the bowl towards you in the coming months.
So they have gone and done it, they have gone and remade The Poseidon Adventure…with Kurt Russell.
They have remade The Hills Have Eyes - Deliverance with radioactive muties.
They have made another Final Destination. -They are still not all dead yet or maybe they are. They will soon be all dead though. Definitely by the end of the movie, all lovely and dead.
They have remade The Pink Panther. -Why does someone who has not been funny in fifteen years think they can do better than Peter Sellers?
They have made Miami Vice into a movie with the Farrell gurrier. -Why?
They have made another Pirate movie with Johnny Depp. -Bruckheimer and company back to grub at the money trough again.
They have remade Superman. -The relentless march of the ubermenschen continues. CGI has doomed us all. It’s Superman now, but what happens when they’ve run out of the big ones eh? More Daredevil movies? Christ you people haven’t seen the Marvel back catalogue. Its like that warehouse at the end of Raiders. It goes on for miles. They’ll have Stan Lee’s brain frozen in carbonite and be remaking tosh like Captain JapKiller and the Blue Sparrowfart until the earth plunges into the sun.
They have made another Mission Impossible movie with the alien humper. -No more of these for God’s sake, how many impossible missions can there be? Its obvious the alien humper is well able for them. Mission quite possible would be more apt. We can only pray Ving Rhames takes him to see the gimp in this one.
They have made another giant old black lady movie. -Fat people, old people, black people, cross dressing. It’s Hollywood comedy gold!
They have made another Cheaper by the dozen movie. -Just put this man down. He has lost his mojo. He will never get it back. He writes plays now for Christ sake.
They have made another Saw movie. -NO NO, NO, NO, NO!
And they have made She’s the Man. -Which appears to be Yentl via the Farrelly Brothers. Complete with leading lady sporting a Streisandish Shnozz. It’s now called being unconventionally beautiful. We used to just call it ugly.
This one American Dreamz is not a remake. But what in the name of God is it? I saw the trailer and my powers of description fail me. I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe its a documentary. But an American President reading The Guardian? No fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on…no, shame me once, no.
They’ve made An Adam Sandler movie (I’m going somewhere with this) about a man who obtains a magic remote control that works on….(wait for it) PEOPLE! HE CAN CONTROL PEOPLE WITH HIS TV REMOTE! Yes real people, I’m not shitting you here. Adam Sandler has that power, in this movie. Goddamn I’m impressed. Sometimes I sit and wonder what kind of half baked dog sucking bollocks Adam Sandler turns down to make a movie about a man with a magic remote control? Maybe a man with a magic garden hose whose life is made briefly easier and then paradoxically increasingly difficult by the advent of this supernatural gardening equipment, until finally he realises that what life is really about is getting your priorities straight like spending time with your family and not letting those big city types tell you how to run your life and most importantly of all never, ever stop watching tv, not even for an instant.
This, Imagine Me and You is Helen Jones Diary for the ladies with gay in them. Plus they couldn’t afford Mr. Darcy or the floppy haired whore fucker so they got some British lads with faces like burnt kippers off the dole instead. But the lesbians, they’re hot.
And finally to bring this shameful cavalcade of medocrity to its conclusion they have made this, Flight 93. There is no depth of crass and moral turpitude the dream factory will not plumb. This purports to be a reconstruction of the events surrounding the hijacking and subsequent crash of Flight 93 on September 11. This is the flight upon which it is believed the passengers took action against their aggressors with the suitably heroic words “lets roll.” The ultimate outcome of these actions were their deaths when the plane crashed on a lonely Pennsylvanian hillside.
It was this plane the unspoken intended destination of which being the White House itself and the actions and sacrifice of its passengers that a post 9/11 America beset by an extraordinary national grief and disbelief at the apparent implosion of Pax Americana and the inviolability of its borders reached out to grasp a story of simple heroism embodying a nations desire to feel in its moment of great need that below the surface the values it held dear still ran true and strong. This story compelling and contradictory deserves to be told, explored and remembered. But now this story has become another fiction, another adaptation enshrined in celluloid, presented as truth. Another place for the truth to seep away, to be boiled down into a catchphrase, to be trivialised. Is there anything so spineless or fraudulent as a Hollywood movie? So bereft of anything even approaching reality, so encumbered my a worship of greed and mammon. Bah, dream on America, dream on. Let that factory of wish fufillment keep on churning out the answers to the unspoken questions in your hearts.
Like what if a man had a remote control that could control people? Man that would be something to see.
January 21st, 2006 at 6:21 pm
She’s The Man….and there goes another one of Shakespeare’s classics down the drain.
She’s clumsy! She’s adorable! She’s….the Man!!!
January 22nd, 2006 at 3:13 am
Damn it I missed that one Brian. Here was me thinking they had fouled the creative nest of the great Barbara but of course its a remake of the sequel to that movie Shakespeare wrote about when he was in love with Gwyneth Paltrow and she had to dress up as a man to get him to fancy her and then he thought he had caught the gay but it was ok because “M” said she knew a little about being a lady in a man’s job which was right because she has to tell Bond what to do and he’s a misogynistic old cold war dinosaur. And after she left him Gwyneth went off to be a ladyboy on a beach and Shakespeare wrote a play about doing twelve shites or something but in the end it was all much ado about nothing.
I am full of whiskey tonight.