Tales from The Filthy City #1: The Dirty Phone
The following is a account of a recent experience I had whilst abroad in the Filthy City. I must stress this is a verbatim report.
I did not make this up.
Gentle readers you have been forewarned.
Scene: A car dealership in a Dublin suburb. Let’s call it Tallaght.
Enter: A gentleman (lets call him DONAL)
There are two other men and one woman. They all ignore DONAL. The woman and one of the men are talking. The other man is reading a newspaper. One that has pictures of lady’s bums in lieu of news.
MAN #1: Looka dis, wait, wait now looka it.
He proffers a mobile phone. It is one of those 3G wireless bluetooth spandex enabled yokes.
MOBILE PHONE: EEERRRRWWWAAARRGGHHHHHHOOOOOOO. OW OW OW OW OW OW OW WWEEEERRRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!
WOMAN: (A look of horror on her face) AAHHH Janey, dat’s disgustin’.
MOBILE PHONE: ARRREEEHHHSSHSHHHHIIIT! (a woman’s voice is emanating from the tinny speaker.)
(DONAL SPEECHLESS)
The woman grabs the phone and shows it to the man reading the newspaper. He looks like someone who castrates pits bulls for a living. The man takes one look at the screen and grimaces horribly.
MAN #2: Jaysus! Jaysus dat’s disgustin’ gerrit away from me!’
He pushes the womans outstretched arm away and gets up to leave.
MAN #2: Don’t watch that shite its disgustin’. (He pauses leering at the young woman) Would you do dat, wouldja?
He leaves shaking his head not waiting for an answer. The woman hands the phone back to the other man.
(DONAL SPEECHLESS, RELIEVED ORDEAL IS OVER )
MAN #1: Heyarr luk a dis wan, it’s evin worser’.
MOBILE PHONE: EEERRYYYARrrRRGGHHHJESUSAARRRRHHOWO OW OW OW OW WE DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT FOR THIS SHIT YOU KNOW, ARRGHHGGH!
The woman clutches the phone to her chest intent on the screen. Looks of horrified fascination cross her face.
WOMAN: Janey mack is that inside her?
MAN #1: Yeah.
WOMAN: Looks like a hoover.
MOBILE PHONE: ARRRRRRGGHGHGHGHAAAAH!
WOMAN: Is dat a dog?
MAN #1: Yeah, do you want the ringtone?
WOMAN: Dere’s a ringtone?
MAN #1: Yeah its bleedin’ brilliant.
WOMAN: Lerrus hear it.
Click, click click.
MOBILE PHONE: ‘I said get your crack in my sack. Suck my,,.’
DONAL: SPEECHLESS (Closes eyes wishes for a gun or merciful death).
The tune continues until finally it is over.
WOMAN: Dat’s deadly givvus it.
MAN #1: Right just press send Multi-Media message.
Her phone beeps the transfer is complete
Exeunt.
DONAL: ?!?!?!? (Weeps for his doomed nation, the future of humanity and all tomorrows children).
March 13th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Ì’ve seen that clip.
BUT IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.
March 13th, 2006 at 10:41 pm
But why were you in a car dealership?
March 13th, 2006 at 10:41 pm
Where else does one go for bizarre phone sex?