The Cluebat Manifesto
Title: Richard Dawkins and the Cluebat star in ‘Unnatural Selection’.
The Pitch:
Richard Dawkins is presented with a cricket bat hewn from the mast timbers of the H.M.S. Beagle. He then roams the earth with a camera crew pounding creationists in the face.
Sample:
Picture the scene, a high-school somewhere in the bible belt. The science teacher turns to the class, asks them to open their textbooks and launches into an examination of Intelligent Design versus Evolution. Using his opposable thumb as a makeshift gripping device the teacher scrawls an essay title across the blackboard ‘Who’s trying to make a monkey out of me?’
There is a peal of thunder, outside the sky turns a leaden grey. The classroom is filled with an eerie half light, somewhere a monkey cackles. The students pause looking up fearfully from their textbooks, was that a furtive simian paw just there at the windowpane? Surely not, a monkey, here, in Alabama?
The teacher calms the nervous class and assures them that nothing could be further from the truth. Monkeys are outlawed here in Alabama of course, they carry bad genes filled with stem cells. It was just a tree branch brushing against the window nothing more. He strides to the window to show them there is nothing to fear. Thunder rolls, lightning flashes and silhouetted against the window is a terrible figure of scientific vengeance. Eyes mad with rage, hair flying in all directions, swinging a bloodstained cricket bat the glass explodes inward over the hapless teacher.
“Welcome to the cluebat manifesto!” screams Richard Dawkins leaping atop the shoulders of the creationist. ‘You have been Unnaturally Selected! The time for reasoned debate is at an end fool! Now comes the time of the Cluebat!” Dawkins grips the fear-gobbling teacher by the top of the head and pounds him mercilessly with the club of strong English oak. “Scientific method you cretin” smack! “Fossil record,” smack! “Religious gibberish” smack! The teacher goes down in a sprawl of limbs and brain fluid. Dawkins stands over his fallen adversary for a moment and then turns to the class cowering in their seats. “Fear not Alabamians I come to bring you knowledge. Look here are my little friends.” He points to the window where the simians now sit watching them, their dark eyes full of sadness.
“Look monkeys” a shrill voice from the back of the class proclaims, the class giggle in fear. Dawkins’ face darkens and he grips the cluebat with renewed intensity. “NOT MONKEYS! CHIMPS, CHIMPANFUCKINGZEES!” he roars smashing splinters out of the desk. “Show them my pretties show them. The first Chimpanzee bares its yellow teeth and the screaming begins in earnest.
Dawkins rides off into the sunset on the back of a giant silverback gorilla.
Next week Richard Dawkins has an audience with the Pope.
I have no idea if Richard Dawkins would be open to making such a program but I sure as hell would watch it. Looking at him in his last TV documentary ‘Religion: The Root of all Evil?’ he appeared to be a man for whom given a few more years of the ID vs Darwinism debate the prospect of taking a cricket bat to somebody’s head may become a more and more attractive prospect.
Update: Listening to an interview with Richard Dawkins yesterday he was at pains to point out that he did not want the title ‘Religion: The Root of All Evil’ as it was not the root of all evil just most evil. He wanted to call the program ‘The God Delusion’ which I am going to steal for a story title one day because its just brilliant.