Oh Columny!
It has been said the greatest writers in the history of our benighted little nation have not found respite in the stony soil of their forefathers but have been ridiculed and lampooned about the place until forced into exile. Only when clasped to the bosom of a foreign nation were their talents then recognised by the begrudgers and backbiters back home. Joyce, Beckett, O’Casey the list goes on and now at last myself. The begrudgers will say of course that foreigners are simply easier to fool than the average savvy Irishman but to them I say ‘damn your eyes sir,’ for I now subscribe to the former argument.
Yes it has finally come to pass that I have been quoted in the international press. Can it be long now until I am elevated to the status of important fellow about town and come into receipt of my long awaited Arts council funding. My brief dalliance with the internet at an end it will be followed by a retreat to the deep rural countryside there to compose long and difficult prose poems exploring the relationship of the common Irishman to the land and work on my Gaelic language epic.
As to Mr. Christian’s quoting of me as a reliable source I can only believe it was some sort of critical error of judgement on his part in an otherwise sterling piece of investigative journalism. Unfortunately for him he was not to know that even as I type these words specially augmented Guinness Death Squads are slipping silently though St. James Gate and disappearing into the night, their primitive brains hardwired with dark thoughts of stouty revenge and horrible violence. Guinness take their mythos very seriously and a slur of such magnitude cannot go unpunished. I expect to hear the dreaded soft tap of the Guinness Ninjas against the windowpane any moment now…whats that now? Who’s there? No, no not yet. Guinness is the true stout. I recant, I RECANT! SAVE ME ARTHUR!
Run, run you fools, Canada is your only chance!
April 6th, 2006 at 6:44 pm
I think I can clear up this myth about Guinness tasting better over in Ireland. The reason why it doesn’t taste as good in America is because many bartenders don’t know how to pour it correctly, and I’m guessing there are issues with the carbon dioxide lines as well. They think it no different than your average glass of Busch Light, and what you wind up with is a too-quickly poured, overly-carbonated glass of disappointing poor-man’s stout. Now, when I go to a proper pub in the states that knows how to pour it right, it doesn’t taste any different than what I’ve had in Dublin, Galway, or Cork.
April 6th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
I seem to have really hit a third-rail issue with this Guinness talk. Perhaps I should have written a column on something less controversial, like abortion.
April 10th, 2006 at 9:40 am
Brian: I think you’re probably right there. I would imagine advances in preserving and shipping the black stuff about the planet would also mean that the differences in taste would now be minimalised. Also it makes good drinking mythology.
Chris: Yes or possibly your views on the Northern Question. Maybe a column on your take on the American Civil War?
April 10th, 2006 at 8:28 pm
The point on the lines is a good one; Guinness seems to be incredibly sensitive to the distance from the keg to the tap. However, at some point in the past, the Guinness would definitely have tasted different in Dublin because it wasn’t pasteurised. At this time, Guinness only pasteurised the beer intended for export to extend the product’s shelf life. As far as I know, Guinness pasteurise all their draught beer now and have done so for some time.