THEY KNOW!
Regular readers will know I am not a man given over to paranoid delusions but and I hasten to add this THEY KNOW!
Ahem, yes they or more specifically someone knows. Even now as I type these words they know. Using their machines and their devilry they know. Out there people who work in marketing are tracking my every move. I feel dirty just typing this. I’m sorry my friends but if you are reading this then they know about you too. It’s too late for me but you could still live free for a time somewhere. Canada maybe or Bundoran.
What brought them to my door? What calamity befell me that I came under their evil eye.
Was it this? Or this. My God was it this. What did I say! Oh God I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything even Ben Affleck. Even….Flatley.
Of course what they don’t know is that I have this on my side. Google Analytics. Shiny and new and recently installed. With this I can track them, see them, hear them, smell their approach.
So hear me marketers, at my fingertips here deep within the the Fortress of Gurritude I have CPC reports, I have trend maps, and referring drilldown click thru source codes. I have geo mapping link surveys and top link referrer reports. I know about the Iranians. You fools did you think you could fool me with Iranians? I know about the Koreans too. Drawn here by promises of Ladysex. Who put you up to this? Was it the Lynxgoblins? Flatley? Vin Diesel? My God was it Guinness and their death squads. I won’t be silenced, do you hear me. I won’t be silenced!
Google tells me this month’s top search keywords bringing people to my door were:
TALES OF FUCKING , Their capitals not mine
Shaving Everywhere , Knew that one would bring the freaks
Michael Flatley, Jaysus , How apt, four people came looking for that.
Michael Flatley is shite , A noble use of google to find like minded individuals.
Ladysex , Always a popular one with the Japanese visitors.
Prison dope OR drugs OR Heroin ‘split shot’ fish , I don’t even want to know what this is.
Mary Coughlan Shite , Looking for a present for the Mammy were we?
GORILLA LADY MURDER – ????? I shit you not.
Amphetamine Locked Elbows , Sounds painful
Gobbling shitehawks , I do like to do my bit for the Irish language.
‘To be a ladyboy’ , Another visitor from the land of the rising sun.
What is a cluebat , Definitely came to the right place here my friend.
Google also tells me I have had several visitors from ‘Dundrod’ and ‘Ballyman’. Hither to unknown suburbs of Dublin. Even us Dubliners did not know they existed until Google came along. Truly tis an age of wonders.