Tales Of The Gurrier

‘Mirror, Mirror,MIRROR!’

‘You are beautiful, so beautiful. The fairest of the fair my lady. The greenest eyes that ever saw a sunrise, with lips as red as the darkest rubies and skin like the driven snow. Hair like spun gold and an ass that just won’t quit’

‘That’s enough!’

‘What can’t a man admire the voluptuousness of a beautiful woman?’

‘First its not admiration it’s lechery and second you’re not a man you’re a mirror.’

‘What? Now you mock me! You mock me, me who will always tell you are the fairest of them all. I am a magic mirror.’

‘Knock it off Mirror that kind of crap may have worked with grandma but it doesn’t cut the mustard with me. I’ve got four enchantments, a hexing, two ‘whatever you desire’ wish grantings and a Wiccan child blessing ceremony all before lunch.’

‘Wiccan child blessing ceremony?’

‘A hippy christening okay. It’s modern. It’s a changed world we live in Mirror. You can’t go around transmogrifying princes into frogs and expecting princesses to kiss them back to manliness anymore. There’s health and safety regulations to consider not to mention class action lawsuits.’

‘I bet you kissed a few frogs in your time though eh.’

‘Oh look there’s my hammer.’

‘Alright, alright. Don’t get antsy. All I’m saying is that there’s not been much action in the prince charming department recently. You’re a woman in your prime you know.’

‘Look what do you want from me, I’m the bleeding Wicked Witch. Flying monkeys I can do, poison apples I can do, hexings, cursings and enchantments check. Prince Charmings are not in my spellbook. I’m not a fairy godmother’

‘If you ask me some of those boys you brought home had a little too much fairy godmother in them.’

‘Nobody asked you and leave Nigel out of this. He was a sweet boy, just a little confused is all.’

‘What did he go off and do in the end.’

‘He joined the band of merry men actually.’

‘Yes, as.’

‘..mmm.grmmple.’

‘I’m sorry you mumbled something?’

‘I said as Maid Marian’s replacement.’

‘I rest my case.’

‘She broke her ankle falling out of a chestnut tree! They needed someone to act as the decoy and well, Nigel always had a girlish figure. Stop looking at me like that!’

‘Like what? I don’t have any eyeballs as you regularly point out. Tell me when did Marian rejoin the Merry Men?’

‘Last Winter.’

‘And who was caught by Cook in the laundry room last March stealing your mothers undercapes?’

‘Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!’

‘Suit yourself.’

‘I said.’

‘I heard you.’

‘Then please do it.’

‘I was only saying.’

‘Please don’t.’

‘What about that nice Jack fellow.’

‘Bean fetish.’

‘Right. What about King Arnold.’

‘Eats live blackbirds in pies.’

‘King Richard.’

‘Man made out of an egg lives in his garden. Freaky looking bastard.’

‘Mr. Beast.’

‘Allergic to cat hair.’

‘Prince Triton.’

‘His leg bits turn into mackerel when it rains.’

‘That Hansel boy. Lovely family, I’ve met his sister Gretel, they live in the woods.’

‘They burned Mrs. O’Toole alive in her own oven and then ate her house you insensitive simpleton.’

‘Right, right that was them was it. Oops, my bad sorry.’

‘Look I don’t need a date okay so stop trying to help me out.’

‘Don’t need a date for the ball eh. Well I hear Goldilocks is coming.’

‘She’s what! She’s coming to the ball. Does she have a date?’

‘The invitation says plus guest so my guess is she probably does have a date.’

‘That bitch. Who is it? Tell me Mirror.’

‘Nope.’

‘What!’

‘Nope you don’t need my help remember, I’m just a,a what was it you called me yesterday.’

‘A worm eaten rococo throwback fit for nothing but snorting lines of fairy dust off of and decorating pumpkin houses.’

‘I think you’ll find it was whorehouses.’

‘Well I take it back, who is Goldilocks date?’

‘The Woodcutter.’

‘Who?’

‘You know who, the Woodcutter. All hairy and sweaty, cuts down trees, kills wolves, rescues grandmothers in distress.’

‘I hear he does more than rescue them.’

‘Well I don’t like to spread salacious gossip but I heard that too.’

‘Ok who have you got for me then?’

‘Tom Thumb.’

‘Bastard. I’m selling you to the pedlar.’

‘Hear me out. Yes he’s on the short side but that never held back Snow White.’

‘Snow White has seven dwarves, seven ok. They may be short and I’ll grant you it’s an unusual living arrangement but there are seven of them. Tom Thumb is well, he’s not even as big as my thumb.’

‘Now don’t say that to his face, he’s a little sensitive about his height and besides I think you have freakishly large thumbs.’

‘I won’t be saying it to his face because I won’t be taking him to the ball and hey what did you say about my thumbs!’

‘Nothing, nothing. Your thumbs are lovely. A little on the large side but I’m not complaining.’

‘All the better to hold my hammer.’

‘Stop swinging that thing it’s bad luck to break a mirror.’

‘Believe me it’s worse luck to piss off a witch. Now can we please get on with the agenda. What’s next.’

‘Okay we have a leak from a reliable source that the Munchkin King is going to invade the Candycane forest again.’

‘That little sugar mad bastard. Set up a meeting with the Tin Man and Dorothy and let’s move the First Monkey Airborne up to high alert. What’s next,’

—————————————————————————————————–

This little piece was brought to you by this photo from Flickr user Iguana Jo and watching 30 episodes of The West Wing back to back. It was provisionally titled ‘The Wicked Witch of The West Wing’ but would have given the game away too early. Other Flictionauts this week are Teaandcakes, Elimare, Tadmack, Aquafortis, Chris and Linus Click on the links to read their versions.

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 3rd, 2006 at 1:36 pm and is filed under Flickr Fiction. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.