The Searchers
Hello my darlings, cruising into the final moments of 2006. I hope you are all happy and healthy where ever you may be, and if you’re not? Well I hope next year finds you in finer fettle.
I’d like to play out 2006 with a little help from all the freaks and fiends who wended their way here this past year through the magic of the Internet.
It’s highlights of my favourite search terms that found those happy denizens of the net arrive at my door.
Remember, I did not make these up.
The amusing:
“the lynx effect spray monkey”
“hate you postcards’
“holiday tales relentless insensitive girlish” - A holiday Haiku?
“me fookin’ eyes are bleedin”
The purveyors of filth and dirty things:
“man chewing ladies nipples” -
“dirty christmas messages”
“old ladysex”
“flashing their fannys”
“arseplundering”
“saw a woman doing a poo”
“southampton ladyboys”
The weird and the wrong:
“attract bastard flies to a bin”
“heroin horse smack blog” -
“horse semen glue” -
“finger of fudge sounds” -
“hob nobs jelly” -
“jelly neo-biscuit”
“shot gun bastard dribble”
“blorp heroin”
“ben affleck hairy”
The downright mental:
“What does it mean when pregnant women puke blood?” - Christ, get off the fucking internet and call a doctor you fool.
“paganini erection” - Now that’s some highbrow smut
“how to eat a giant monkey with a monkey up its monkey” - Is that like a Turducken?
And my personal favourite:
“Devils penis in Clondalkin” - I can see a Gurrier tale in there somewhere.
—–
I’m off for a few more glasses of wine. See you in 2007.
January 1st, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Hahaha, oh no, “horse semen glue”. Things falling apart on the farm? Little Jimmy’s schoolmarm saying the boy needs glue for his craft projects, but you don’t want to buy pritt stick like everybody else? What you need is ol’ Granpappy’s Horse Semen Glue! Step One: find a male horse. Step Two: don’t forget to stretch those biceps first! Step Three: ???
Arseplundering sounds awful. I imagine pirates and vikings.
I’ve had some brilliant ones since I set up analytics. Mostly I get hits for “making stew”. Then “how to make stew”. Then, “what to do when stew is on fire”, and increasingly desperate pleas for help, which my site does nothing to address. But apart from stew-making, I get the occasional classic, like:
“i haven’t shat”
chocolate coated cornflake
whitney houston false teeth toothless
lesson learned: lice aren’t nice
“foot piercing” deep
black stuff on bottom of kettle
my child is rolling his eyes and twitching face muscles
cause of hand shiverring
i put too much black pepper in my stew
what to do when to much black pepper added to stew
eyelash mites
how to pronounce cockburn
fat old men body odour cellmate
The medical ones are often the best, I find.
January 6th, 2007 at 2:06 am
Holy crap! Where can I find this information on my own blog (and do I really want to)?
January 8th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Sarah, I’m not sure how Blogger operates but you should be able to install something like Google Analytics which will give you access to all that weird and wrong information.