The Drughammer
Hello internet chums. Things have been quiet here of late. I have been suffering deadly pains and torments with my wonky back. As you can see, I have finally relented with my controversial whiskey therapy and taken recourse to hard drugs. Pictured are my current batch of chemical assistance. I am now a 1970’s housewife, pilled to the tits.
This course of tablets is described by my doctor as, the ‘back cocktail’. Difene; an anti-inflammatory, Codeine; a pain reliever and the big V, Valium; among other things, a muscle relaxant. Dr. Google reports two of these are addictive, or mildly habit forming, but I am beyond caring at this point.
Last Thursday I was admitted to hospital after I hyperventilated from the pain and passed out. I decided to reassess my, ‘it’s not that bad, I’ll sleep it off’ male stupidity and submit to medical science.
It turns out medical science boils down to:
Doctor: ‘Are your arms or legs hanging off?’
Me: ‘No.’
Doctor: ‘Take these pills.’
Me: ‘How long do I take the pills for?’
Doctor: ‘I don’t know, until they run out!’
Me: ‘What do I do after they run out?’
Doctor: ‘If it still hurts come back and get more pills.’
Me: ‘Don’t you want to at least examine my back?’
Doctor: ‘Are you still here?’
I’m paraphrasing, a little, the doctors and nurses were lovely. They made sure all my arms and legs were still attached, gave me x-rays to ensure my lungs had not collapsed, a cardiogram to ensure I was not having a heart attack, checked my blood pressure and ran blood tests to make sure I did not have the bird flu. All well and good and I was impressed with the ease, efficiency and professionalism of everyone involved, however I left with nothing more than an over-the-counter pain reliever and a prescription for anti-inflammatory tablets. My two hour sojourn in the A&E probably cost a couple of grand and within two days I was in the horrors again. It took a visit to my GP to be prescribed the full ‘back cocktail’.
I call it the Drughammer.
I was a little apprehensive about the Valium, but I am pleased to report it’s like being hit in the face with a warm pillow that envelops your whole body, yet doesn’t make you feel hot or uncomfortable. Yes, sleeping with Prince Valium makes every morning feel like Sunday morning.
The downside is I only have nine left.
February 23rd, 2007 at 12:30 am
Mmmmm, valium. Don’t do drugs kids.
I’m relieved to see the drug cocktail, I can tell ya. It’s very nice as a short term solution.
Oh, if you’re turning into a 70’s housewife can I expect to come home to my slippers, dinner ready and a martini?
February 23rd, 2007 at 2:58 am
Please note he will also need teased frosted hair, gen-u-wine acrylic nail tips, and an avocado colored, stretch polyester wardrobe.
Oh, and a Cross-Your-Heart Bulletproof over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder for those tits he’s pilled to.
Wow. Valium AND Codeine. I would be hallucinating. And not in a fun way…
February 23rd, 2007 at 5:31 am
So…next time I see you will be under some scaffolding near Stephens Green looking for a pill fix, eh?
February 23rd, 2007 at 5:50 am
Have you tried seeing a chiropractor? I know you’ve probably received all manner of helpful advice … but chiropractic is an option, and it really might help.
All of my immediate family are doctors or nurses (dad’s a doctor, mom’s a nurse, 3 sibs are all doctors, one married to a doctor, one married to a nurse). They’ve gone the medical route - with my mom having had a microdiscectomy & my little brother having had the same … but ending up with having to have two vertebrae fused because they couldn’t fix the problem. Me, I’ve just been going to the chiropractor (or, as my dad calls them, the “quack-o-practor”). And I haven’t had surgery, or taken pills, even though I’m down to about 25% of what I should have in the one congenitally-defective disc (thanks, mom). It’s not like I’m pain free, but I’m certainly not needing to get loaded to make it go away, and I’m able to manage.
Anyway, it’s something to consider, and it really does help. Takes a bit of work on your part … like stretching twice / day and things like that, but it’ll make the pain go away, and you won’t need the pills … so you can save them for recreation or something.
Hope you feel better soon. Hope you’ve got health insurance!
February 23rd, 2007 at 11:08 am
David, thanks for the advice. The back pain has been on and off for four years now, but this is the first time I’ve had recourse to serious medication. I have been treating it with mild anti-inflammatories and visits to a physio/massage therapist. I had good results with that and will be going back to see him again.
Unfortunately last week the pain changed in tone and timbre and I thought I had better get it checked out. What amused me was how little actual examination there was, but the Drughammer does gives me some peace of mind.
Brian, we can go cruising for pills in all the best Dublin nitespots!
February 23rd, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Oooh that sucks D. Didn’t realise ye weren’t well at all!
Not a big fan of the drughammer route m’self, although I can see why ye’d need it when it got so severe.
I had issues with my back a couple of years ago, went for physio \ acupuncture. Man, after one of those sessions I didn’t need Valium or Codeine or anything like that - I just floated on home.
February 23rd, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Yeah you’re right. I have gone down the acupuncture route too and it worked for me, on those occasions. It’s funny that it’s more expensive to get that sort of treatment than to treat it with pills. I can claim most of the expenses incurred so far off my health insurance yet physiotherapy etc is only half covered as a complementary medicine.
I might be talking out of my arse though, I’m yet to receive bills or indeed lodge claims. I might need all of those pills yet.
The upside is, due to the current shenanigans in the Irish Health insurers market I am currently covered by Bupa and VHI, well I’m being charged by both of them anyway.
February 23rd, 2007 at 7:18 pm
I’m glad you’ve insurance … or at least that’s what it sounds like you said, to someone unfamiliar with your systems over there. If they’re like anything we’ve got here, though, I’m sure the pills will come in handy.
It’s funny how the insurance world won’t cover the things which are non-invasive. They only give me an allowance of $500 / year for chiropractic … which, since it’s not particularly expensive, does go quite a ways. But they’ll cover hospital stays & all that no problem. Bizarre.
I’m wondering how your writing’s going to be with all of the drugs. Can’t imagine.
February 23rd, 2007 at 7:49 pm
We have three insurers in the market over here. Two major players and one minor. One of the major players is currently closing down and screwing all it’s customers and employees and the other is a wholly corrupt monopoly propped up by an equally corrupt and incompetent government. Choices, choices.
That said, it’s not as bad as you have it over there.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Hi Donal,
If you don’t get any response from your health insurers please just let me know.
I would be happy to stand on your back (chiro style), stick needles in you (not the knitting type), ply you with drugs (all strictly non-prescription) arrange for a free sports massage (scrummage) or just send you chocolates as a sign of sympathy.
No thanks required.
Anthony
P.S If you have any of those drugs left over at the end…I have mates in Manchester who would trade cars or Viagra for them.
February 27th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Cheers Anthony, I do get lots of offers for Viagra in my inbox each day, so I’m all good there.