Tales Of The Gurrier

“Ke, ke, ke, ke….Ke, ke, ke, ke.” The Turnip baby’s yellowed body thumped against the wooden planks of the cabin. It’s wizened face curled into a frown. “Ke, ke, ke, ke” it said, in it’s thin, reedy, vegetable voice. The Turnip baby did not have much of a brain, it was out of the ground [...]

The capsule tumbled through the silent depths of space, carrying it’s precious cargo homeward bound. The gentle tug of gravity became an insistent pull as it drew closer to the Earth’s embrace. Lower and lower with each passing orbit. Finally, it skipped through the upper ionosphere, spinning end over end, shimmering and flashing in the [...]

It was hot, too damn hot. By 11am the booze had run out, a bad start to the day. The hovel was a sweltering pigsty and The Gin Lady was in a foul mood. ‘Get me a drink Paddy. I need a fucking drink just to look at you’. It was too much. I had [...]

Title: Richard Dawkins and the Cluebat star in ‘Unnatural Selection’. The Pitch: Richard Dawkins is presented with a cricket bat hewn from the mast timbers of the H.M.S. Beagle. He then roams the earth with a camera crew pounding creationists in the face. Sample: Picture the scene, a high-school somewhere in the bible belt. The [...]

Part I of The Gurrening is here. It was much later when The Gurrier awoke. His head was swimming and he felt like someone had put his tongue in backwards and glued it to the roof of his mouth. He’d seen Kesey do that to someone before and was relieved when he felt it move [...]

Night spread an inky blackness across the grey spires of the unhappy city. The moon appeared momentarily from cover and down below briefly illuminated in the rain slicked streets a dark figure approached the warped and twisted entrance of a dilapidated tenement house. The Bastard Kesey gazed upwards at the boarded up windows and smiled [...]

The wretched scabrous figure lay sprawled where he had collapsed, down amongst the debris and detritus of his labours. His ravaged form twitching spasmodically. From time to time a low moaning sound would utter from his cracked lips; unearthly and guttural. The darkness of the hovel formed a cocoon around the slumbering figure. The air [...]

“Bastard Pope” snarled Kesey hurling the remote at the tv. “Bastard Pope on every bastard channel and Fools and Fucking Horses on the rest!” Popeshite everywhere, he tossed a bunch of newspapers at the Gurrier’s feet. Look at this bollix! Fecking Godsuckers worming out of every boghole in the country. It’s a Jesusbiscuit eating infestation. [...]