Tales Of The Gurrier

The Gurrier Murphy
Raised by demented alcoholics in the tenements of Dublin. The young Murphy was elevated to the position of ‘Gurrier’ by the Murphy clan in the late nineties. Though mainly an honorific title Murphy has spent many years now attempting to ressurect the old traditions of Gurriering. Namely the constant boozing, brawling and occasional donkey skinning contest.

It is rumoured that once a decade the Black Murphys convene in secret to elect a new Gurrier and the previous encumbent is murdered by ritual sacrifice and his headbones devoured. As his tenure as official Murphy Gurrier approaches its first decade a new and desperate note has entered his ramblings.

The Bastard Kesey
The Gurrier’s nemesis and implacable foe. Kesey is without doubt the greatest bastard of his generation. Spawned from a long line of bastards Kesey tempers his utter contempt for humanity with a pathological need to visit violence upon his peers. Kesey is often to be found abroad in Dublin city his latest invention tucked under one arm a sack of failed experiments twitching in the other.

Heinous Ingoldsby
Once the Gurrier’s constant companion in alcohol and violence Heinous Ingoldsby suffered a horrifying defenestration injury at the turn of the century. Formerly a gentle giant of a man his subsequent crippling bukkake and rum addiction served only to further distance him from humanity. Heinous is noted for his incoherent, shambling rages and an uncanny ability to turn any situation against himself.

Dirty John
Every man needs a Nixon and Dirty John is The Gurrier’s. Though he is gone now into the wilderness the mere memory of him can bring tears of rage to The Gurrier’s eyes. Dirty John plays a small but significant part in ‘The Tale of Dirty John’ and ‘Kesey’s Revenge’

Wahlberg
Wahlberg also known as ‘The Gollum of Goatstown’ is Kesey’s pet Goth. He keeps him in the ‘Bag of Deadly Things’.

The Gin Lady
A relative newcomer to the ‘Tales’ the Gin Lady was deported from her native Kingdom after she led a brutal coup attempt that went disastrously wrong. The tale of her origin is yet to be declassified but may be the most preposterous yet.

Mad Lynch
A member of a terrifying family of criminal maniacs known in Dublin as The Lynch Mob. Seamus Lynch was expelled from the Gards after beating ten yuppies to death in a swanky Dublin nite spot. It was during an unavoidable stay in Mountjoy and subsequent community service as a turdscraper with the Corpo that he formed his unhealthy psychological obsession with destroying The Gurrier. Recently returned from the Orient his tale of violence and public transport can be viewed in ‘The Return’.

Red Presley
Though claiming her origins are shrouded in mystery a simple internet search reveals the following. Born to extremist Elvis fans in the darkest wilds of Wicklow. Red Presley spent her early days murdering wildlife and playing with sticks. Life took an unfortunate turn when on a daytrip to Bray to abuse the poor she was kidnapped by Quebecois nationalist agents and extradited to Canada by means of extraordinary rendition. On realising her incoherent mumblings were not cries for an ultra-nationalist French state but demands for Guinness and chips her captors cast the young Presley out into the tundra. For several years she lived feral amongst the moose and chipmunks before being found by a passing nun who returned her to civilisation and the convent of St. Jacinta’s of Sacred Heart of the Exposition. Expelled from the nunnery at 17 for undisclosed transgressions she travelled the continents in search, in her own words of ‘tings for me buke.’ Returning now to the land of her birth she continues her search for her lost parentage and ever more ‘yokes to be puttin’ in me buke’. Rumours that Red Presley may actually be the illegitimate child of Mother Teresa and Eamonn De Valera have recently surfaced on the internet but have yet to be substantiated, or denied.

Bunty O’Toole & Fiachra Mac Craothnaigh
A pair of minor Mammon mages who attempt to sacrifice The Gurrier and his crew to the great Auld Wan Shel’ Tiggroth in ‘The Tale of Dirty John’.

Weishaupt & Chang
The infamous Gentleman Rogues outfitters of Saville Row. This cunning and venerable establishment is much favoured by Kesey who has them build many of his fantastical inventions to his exacting and highly illegal designs.